Creating Boundaries
Are you someone who easily gets influenced or pushed around by others? Are you a people pleaser? Do you feel responsible for making others happy and constantly end up putting others’ needs above your own?
It is time to call back your power, and take up the space that you deserve! It is not your responsibility to please others. Nor is it your responsibility to fix others, or help them learn their lessons. It is, however, your responsibility to take care of yourself, create and communicate your boundaries clearly, and understand the lessons in each experience you have, especially the challenging ones.
“Everything and everyone wants to be your teacher.” This is one of my favorite things my sister Andrea ever said in her Yoga class.
It is up to you to find the lesson. Welcome all experiences, the good, and the challenging, and use them as an opportunity for growth!
Life can get overwhelming, as we are constantly bombarded with information, marketing, other people, and expectations. Especially as an empath, someone who feels other’s feelings very strongly, it is important to create boundaries to protect yourself!
If you find yourself flustered, constantly pulled one way or another, or simply not in your power, try to make boundary setting a daily priority.
3 Rituals to help you establish boundaries
1. Communicate your Expectations
You cannot control how others behave, but IT IS up to you, how you allow others to treat you! We all have different reactions to being treated poorly by others. Some of us retreat, become quiet, and deal with our sadness or disappointment in silence. Others get angry, yell, or start a fight. Some of us do both of these things at different times.
When we are mistreated or disrespected, we are often taken aback, surprised, and miss the opportunity to pause and respond with a clear mind. Responding vs. reacting takes practice. But it starts with becoming clear of your worth, the fact that you are love, and knowing that you deserve to be treated with respect, regardless of the other’s opinion of you. So here are a few approaches to take charge of how you allow others to treat you:
1. Clearly state:
” You do not get to treat me this way.”
“I will not allow you to…..” (make fun of me, attack me, say demeaning things to me, pick on me, etc.)
“I expect to be treated with respect, regardless of any disagreement we may have.”
2. If mistreatment persists despite your efforts of communication, remove yourself from the situation.
This may hurt your ego or feel like you are “losing a battle,” but the truth is, you are saving your wellbeing. There is no battle to be won. Removing yourself from the situation shows the other that you will not engage in petty fights, and you will not entertain his or her power struggle.
2. Learn to create your own energy, not steal it from others
There is enough energy for all of us to thrive, feel happy, full, and content. But somehow our society seems to think that there isn’t enough to go around for everyone. Because of this mindset of “lack” and fear-based, toxic thought patters, each of us has learned a way to manipulate others, in order to steal their energy. But you do not have to put others down in order to feel good. In fact, you will never truly feel good when putting others down.
In the book “The Celestine Prophecy,” Redfield describes 4 different types of control people use to steal power from others. I believe that most of us do this unconsciously, but it is important to be aware of it. Become aware of your patterns, as well as the patterns of others. Most of us have one dominant one, but we may use them all at some point in our lives:
The intimidator: The intimidator uses intimidation to make the other feel small, robbing him or her of his or her energy.
The poor me. The poor me plays the victim, not accepting responsibility for his or her situation. By doing so, he or she expects you to feel bad for him or her, or take responsibility for him or her, thereby depleting your own resources.
The investigator: The investigator always asks a lot of questions, challenging your every idea or opinion. This allows him or her to feel all knowing, and superior to you. For the investigator, it is “my way or the highway.”
The aloof: The aloof will always keep you at an arms’ length. He or she seems unattainable, superior in a sense, and depletes you by constantly feeling like you have to work to please him or her. He or she uses the strategy of making you feel as if you need him or her more than he or she needs you.
Instead of using the above mentioned ways of manipulating others to gain energy (or power), learn to cultivate your own. Here are a few ways you can do so:
Practice Gratitude. When you shift from a mindset of lack to a mindset of abundance and gratitude, you instantaneously raise your vibration and your energy. Try it next time you notice a critical thought. Rephrase it into something grateful. For example: Instead of thinking “I am not good enough” say “I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow.”
Go outside in nature. One of the fastest ways to recharge your batteries is to go into nature and really notice it. This can be a 15 minute walk, or an all day escape to the beach, the woods, or your favorite park. Close your eyes, take a few deep belly breaths, and become aware of your senses. Notice the sounds around you, feel the warm or cold air on your skin, smell the different smells around you, then open your eyes and see (in detail) the beauty of nature all around you. Fix your gaze on one thing. This can be a tree, a flower, a rock, or anything else that does not move. Keep your concentration on the item for at least 3 minutes. At first you may only notice the gross elements, or the whole shape, but try to also focus on the subtle elements, the color, texture, size, smell, feel, and possibly sound of it. Keep your gaze steady, and notice everything else around you become blurry and fade away. Feel your connection with the item you have chosen. Breathe deeply as you do this.
Call back your power. If you feel small and powerless, or under the control of someone else, it is time to evaluate your relationships. Take inventory of to whom you give away your power and how. Once you have become aware of the energy vacuums in your life, it is time to pull the plug! For this ritual, find a quiet place in your house or outside, sit in a comfortable seat, take several deep breaths, and say the following statement out loud: “I now call back everything that belongs to me. I also freely give back anything that does not belong to me to his or her rightful owner.” Close your eyes and sit in meditation for at least 1 minute, longer if you can, and visualize your whole body radiating with white light. Feel yourself getting strong, yet light, at the same time.
3. Ritual to take up the space you deserve
In your meditation space, or a quiet space in your house, light a candle or your favorite incense, smudge yourself with palo santo, sage, or clear yourself and your space with your favorite cleansing spray, and then sit in a comfortable seat. Close your eyes, and begin by noticing your breath. Are you breathing? Is your breath shallow? Restricted? Getting stuck somewhere? Consciously deepen your breath without straining. You might take several cleansing breath to begin (inhale through the nose, exhale through the mouth). Then, become aware of yourself. Feel your presence, your body in space. Can you feel where your body ends? Notice where your seat connects to the ground or your meditation pillow. Can you sense your periphery? Now, bring your awareness to your heart center. Visualize a bright light there. At the beginning, the light might be small, but over the next several breath, visualize your light radiating in all directions, filling up your whole body with bright light. Beyond your body, visualize your light radiating 2 feet around you, in all directions. Feel yourself growing and taking up that space. Then, take your favorite crystals and make a circle around you, 2 feet from where you sit, or use your sage or palo santo to symbolically make the circle. Sit back in your seat and say the following words out loud: “I now take up all the space that belongs to me. I am safe. I am protected. I am strong. This is my space. The energy of others will not penetrate this space.”
If you need to create your boundary in a situation where you are unable to perform this ritual, simply find a quiet space in a bathroom or somewhere else, close your eyes, visualize your bright light growing 2 feet all around you, and say the words in your head or out loud: “I now take up all the space that belongs to me. I am safe. I am protected. I am strong. This is my space. The energy of others will not penetrate this space.”